Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
