So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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