I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
