he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
