So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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