Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
