Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize