Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
