Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I fill condoms, not promises.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
