is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
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