If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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