HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
