Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
