I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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