when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
