Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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