My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
