apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
