I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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