I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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