I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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