i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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