I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
