You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
