My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
