WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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