I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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