i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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