Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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