Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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