i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
