ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
So much rum. So many feels.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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