Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
