I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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