She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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