I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
