What a fucking waste of an outfit
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Small penises have feelings too.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize