I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
