Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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