i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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