I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
