Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
