You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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