i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
