nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
