I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
