The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
