i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
