soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
