Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
