Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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