the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
