Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
