we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
