Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize