Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
