i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
