xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
party gras won. party gras always wins.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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