Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
