So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
