At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
