I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize