Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Randomize
