my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
